I'm moving out on my own for the first time ever and I feel so free, so excited. I've waited so long, there's only a little fear. Mostly excitement. I used to get upset chastising myself for waiting so long.
But we make those moves when we are ready. And that is the wisest choice.
It's so empowering to be in my own place. I can hardly believe it. I feel so grown up. I've left just a couple things in my room I've rented for teh last six months - the things I brought with me on my first few days here in October. I wanted to wake up and remember the simplicity of that first brave move and empower myself for the next one. It's a complete circle.
I've smudged the place twice. Of course, the herb I'm working with this week is sage. I love how that herb can calm me when I'm feeling sad or out of body, unprotected, ungrounded, out of sorts and just brings me to a place of centered calm and strength. It helped me today when I tried so hard to force a friendship relationship on my wuz-ben.
I suffer sometimes from a savior's complex. I always blame it on being first born, first grandchild and being born near Jesus' said bday. As if I picked up the "passion" out of osomosis. It's really not my job to enlighten anyone. We all have our own path and as we are one, no path is above another.
I am just so thrilled the pain is over. I'm so ecstatic to have my own place. It feels like I'm dreaming....
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Coming back
So the last time I was in Cali, they removed a tumor from my face. 4cm long and 2 cm deep.
It was hard but deeply profound. As if I had moved to the next spiritual level. Like I had graduated. This time going to Cali was for a different reason. I did need to go for post-op. But really hadn't planned to go back so soon. Then I had a friend invite me to her 40th birthday.
Wow.
I thought that spiritual graduation meant leaving the baggage, the temptation, the insecurity behind. For a few weeks I had definitely had that experience. But I thought it was permanent.
The first day I had a shot in my face. (Again) Then the doctor gave me the images they took while documenting the thing being cut from my cheek.
As soon as I got to my friends house I wanted to see it. I did the first thing the next morning.
It had impact.
For three days we hung out. My friend and her husband and his family. Within the three days I spent most of that time not being very serious. Hanging out with Russ and screwing off. It was hard though. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get past the incision and how different it made me look.
Yet the people around me seemed more attracted to me than ever. LA still wanted me there and so did the party. It was confusing to say the least. To feel pretty, like really attractive when so aware of something so obstructed. That was a strange paradigm.
There was a checkered dance floor and fog. They had an oil lamp kind of thing that lit up the wall.
The music went on and I just started to dance. I forgot the people.
I took a little time and wrote these poems in the middle of it all. There was music because the TV was unplugged. So we listened to allot of it.
This is what I wrote:
I am dancing.
Swirling neon black.
Lost in the energy,
Swimming in the atoms.
Give me time.
Almost there.
Being gentle with me and you.
Us.
Love abound with treasure.
Treasure.
The next day the dance floor was blank. Checkered black and white stripped of people. That was when I chose to paint. I felt something coming through so I squirted the acrylic on the canvas and began massaging the image in the painting. No brush. Just me and my lover in the painting.
After I completed two images I went to my room and I wrote.
I am becoming tired of numbing my mind.
To feel too normal-it is too normal.
Reality has become a paradigm that has shifted into another vortex.
As it all speeds up I numb myself to enjoy the trails in the stars as they speed by.
I try to count them, but like the yellow lines on the highway,
They move too fast.
I lose count-then control.
I live on instinct and raw impulse.
I lick the flesh of the holy grail and dink the nectar with the Goddess.
And then I humbly sleep-my head in her breast.
I cried on the way home.
And when I got there, I was able to take my energy and pour it into my husband.
He looked at me, the way he did when we first met. As if I were alive and vibrant.
The incision became invisible. At least for that moment.
L
It was hard but deeply profound. As if I had moved to the next spiritual level. Like I had graduated. This time going to Cali was for a different reason. I did need to go for post-op. But really hadn't planned to go back so soon. Then I had a friend invite me to her 40th birthday.
Wow.
I thought that spiritual graduation meant leaving the baggage, the temptation, the insecurity behind. For a few weeks I had definitely had that experience. But I thought it was permanent.
The first day I had a shot in my face. (Again) Then the doctor gave me the images they took while documenting the thing being cut from my cheek.
As soon as I got to my friends house I wanted to see it. I did the first thing the next morning.
It had impact.
For three days we hung out. My friend and her husband and his family. Within the three days I spent most of that time not being very serious. Hanging out with Russ and screwing off. It was hard though. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get past the incision and how different it made me look.
Yet the people around me seemed more attracted to me than ever. LA still wanted me there and so did the party. It was confusing to say the least. To feel pretty, like really attractive when so aware of something so obstructed. That was a strange paradigm.
There was a checkered dance floor and fog. They had an oil lamp kind of thing that lit up the wall.
The music went on and I just started to dance. I forgot the people.
I took a little time and wrote these poems in the middle of it all. There was music because the TV was unplugged. So we listened to allot of it.
This is what I wrote:
I am dancing.
Swirling neon black.
Lost in the energy,
Swimming in the atoms.
Give me time.
Almost there.
Being gentle with me and you.
Us.
Love abound with treasure.
Treasure.
The next day the dance floor was blank. Checkered black and white stripped of people. That was when I chose to paint. I felt something coming through so I squirted the acrylic on the canvas and began massaging the image in the painting. No brush. Just me and my lover in the painting.
After I completed two images I went to my room and I wrote.
I am becoming tired of numbing my mind.
To feel too normal-it is too normal.
Reality has become a paradigm that has shifted into another vortex.
As it all speeds up I numb myself to enjoy the trails in the stars as they speed by.
I try to count them, but like the yellow lines on the highway,
They move too fast.
I lose count-then control.
I live on instinct and raw impulse.
I lick the flesh of the holy grail and dink the nectar with the Goddess.
And then I humbly sleep-my head in her breast.
I cried on the way home.
And when I got there, I was able to take my energy and pour it into my husband.
He looked at me, the way he did when we first met. As if I were alive and vibrant.
The incision became invisible. At least for that moment.
L
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Learning a few things
I haven't said much lately about the post surgery impact. For a bit I was very much in my head. That was okay, I was looking at the world through new eyes and found it magical. Then I went through a period of making myself too busy.
That didn't work very well because of the down moments when I experience the emotional rush from the physical and spiritual trauma caused by the surgery. It gets forgotten and buried.
Recently I had a "bad" day. We all know what that means as reality is not what we push away and hide, but what we face and deal with.
So again, I had this day and really found it an interesting experience. It came on as a flood of emotions that I then attached to my thinking. Not thinking then feeling...feeling and then attaching.
I attached the ideas of me being too fat, too old, too wrinkled, too saggy, too scarred, and I filled up with self pity. It was a brilliant drama with all of the making of a good made for Hallmark Movie.
It took me about 3 hours to finally come back down out of the tree and realize I was still feeling, but no longer thinking.
Then it dawned on me that I felt the same way I did before I created the story to go with it. Go figure. So the whole episode, while very entertaining, was invalid.
Hmmmmmm....now what?
So I went to a friend's house and we chatted about my mood. She analyzed, dissected, rationalized and all the while felt that she was in a losing battle.
The reason was, there was no reason. It was simply a feeling. A feeling of sadness, probably left over purging from the surgery. That is all. One cannot do much with that to fix. It is a healthy problem actually.
I told her that I had decided the best way to handle the emotion was to do nothing about it at all, but rather to allow it to flow through and be on its way. That way it holds no power over me. I need not dwell in my head nor store it for later. This energy clearly wanted release and my only job was to allow it to go.
Next day, I felt much better and am back to my "normal" (whatever that looks like) self.
In conclusion to this little bit here, please remember that all emotions are valid. They may not need to be attached to anything and may just want to let that energy out of our body to allow us to stay at ease. Hence "everyone needs a good cry now and then" no?
On a good note? Our brick and mortar store was just named Best New Store on Colfax. YAYYY!!! I’m totally thrilled by this as there has been so much work put into it. It’s awesome to get the recognition. For those who don’t know Colfax, it’s one of the longest streets in all of Denver. It goes from one end of this huge metro valley, clear to the other side! Yayyyyy!!!
That didn't work very well because of the down moments when I experience the emotional rush from the physical and spiritual trauma caused by the surgery. It gets forgotten and buried.
Recently I had a "bad" day. We all know what that means as reality is not what we push away and hide, but what we face and deal with.
So again, I had this day and really found it an interesting experience. It came on as a flood of emotions that I then attached to my thinking. Not thinking then feeling...feeling and then attaching.
I attached the ideas of me being too fat, too old, too wrinkled, too saggy, too scarred, and I filled up with self pity. It was a brilliant drama with all of the making of a good made for Hallmark Movie.
It took me about 3 hours to finally come back down out of the tree and realize I was still feeling, but no longer thinking.
Then it dawned on me that I felt the same way I did before I created the story to go with it. Go figure. So the whole episode, while very entertaining, was invalid.
Hmmmmmm....now what?
So I went to a friend's house and we chatted about my mood. She analyzed, dissected, rationalized and all the while felt that she was in a losing battle.
The reason was, there was no reason. It was simply a feeling. A feeling of sadness, probably left over purging from the surgery. That is all. One cannot do much with that to fix. It is a healthy problem actually.
I told her that I had decided the best way to handle the emotion was to do nothing about it at all, but rather to allow it to flow through and be on its way. That way it holds no power over me. I need not dwell in my head nor store it for later. This energy clearly wanted release and my only job was to allow it to go.
Next day, I felt much better and am back to my "normal" (whatever that looks like) self.
In conclusion to this little bit here, please remember that all emotions are valid. They may not need to be attached to anything and may just want to let that energy out of our body to allow us to stay at ease. Hence "everyone needs a good cry now and then" no?
On a good note? Our brick and mortar store was just named Best New Store on Colfax. YAYYY!!! I’m totally thrilled by this as there has been so much work put into it. It’s awesome to get the recognition. For those who don’t know Colfax, it’s one of the longest streets in all of Denver. It goes from one end of this huge metro valley, clear to the other side! Yayyyyy!!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Aquarius Meets Pluto
They say the Darkest Hour is right before dawn. And since the dawn of the New Year, according to native traditions, is heralded by the Spring Equinox and happens tomorrow, I'd say we've been in Pluto's territory fer sure!!
Pluto or Hades, depending on your Roman or Greek affiliations, is the god of the Underworld, of Mystery and Quiet. He rules the dead and his wife Persephone helps the dying cross. Pluto is also the planet (or large rock or energy mass if you must be scientific) that controls transformation.
So amidst this amazing dawning of Aquarius, many of my friends, perhaps you included, have been experiencing a series of deaths, either loved ones to the other side or ideas or belief systems or relationships. All must die to keep life going. Aquarius teaches of independence, ferocious fight for free will and free thinking. With Aquarius we can begin to let go of attachments and begin to trust the wind. To allow for the death and rebirth cycle of life.
Beginning in 2008 until 2023, Pluto has come to visit Capricorn, ruled by the work horse of a God, Saturn. (I say this with all due respect to my ruling planet). Pluto has a way of minning to the bottom of a situation to find power. Capricorn has a way of utilizing power and making you live your integrity. Presto manifesto! Pluto will unearth anything in your depths to help you actualize to the best of your abilities. A veritible tabla rasa, or sweeping of the decks. And yet, soul family, if we're to complete the work of transforming the world, we must first commit ourselves to a deep relationship to our souls.
That's all the Dark Night is teaching us. However, with a sigh of relief, I say welcome Spring! Welcome Kore! Welcome to the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius! I could use a breather.
Pluto or Hades, depending on your Roman or Greek affiliations, is the god of the Underworld, of Mystery and Quiet. He rules the dead and his wife Persephone helps the dying cross. Pluto is also the planet (or large rock or energy mass if you must be scientific) that controls transformation.
So amidst this amazing dawning of Aquarius, many of my friends, perhaps you included, have been experiencing a series of deaths, either loved ones to the other side or ideas or belief systems or relationships. All must die to keep life going. Aquarius teaches of independence, ferocious fight for free will and free thinking. With Aquarius we can begin to let go of attachments and begin to trust the wind. To allow for the death and rebirth cycle of life.
Beginning in 2008 until 2023, Pluto has come to visit Capricorn, ruled by the work horse of a God, Saturn. (I say this with all due respect to my ruling planet). Pluto has a way of minning to the bottom of a situation to find power. Capricorn has a way of utilizing power and making you live your integrity. Presto manifesto! Pluto will unearth anything in your depths to help you actualize to the best of your abilities. A veritible tabla rasa, or sweeping of the decks. And yet, soul family, if we're to complete the work of transforming the world, we must first commit ourselves to a deep relationship to our souls.
That's all the Dark Night is teaching us. However, with a sigh of relief, I say welcome Spring! Welcome Kore! Welcome to the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius! I could use a breather.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Age of Aquarius
Many of us know that Aquarius is now here. For over 2,000 years we will be living under a new sign, with planets realigned to guide us through our lives.
A vortex has been opened. A block removed. The energies that have been building for years have finally been released and it is as if we have been given spiritual manifestation steriods.
It is our turn.
Finally, after all of the struggle and burden the butterfly has been given freedom to fly and move into the next stage of life.
Now is the time for us to grab on to what we have always known and show it powerfully to the world. The world is ready as we move in this new house of love and harmony. The awakening is just the beginning and as the light workers and healers, our responsibility is lying wide open before us.
Very exciting and powerful times for us my friends. I do not say this lightly.
Be very careful what you ask for. DO NOT FORGET THE FINE PRINT.
For at this moment our powers of connection to the collective conciousness are beyond anything we have ever imagined. The 100th monkey has peeled its bannana and now the new way of thinking is spreading around the world.
Welcom to the 5th demension.
L
A vortex has been opened. A block removed. The energies that have been building for years have finally been released and it is as if we have been given spiritual manifestation steriods.
It is our turn.
Finally, after all of the struggle and burden the butterfly has been given freedom to fly and move into the next stage of life.
Now is the time for us to grab on to what we have always known and show it powerfully to the world. The world is ready as we move in this new house of love and harmony. The awakening is just the beginning and as the light workers and healers, our responsibility is lying wide open before us.
Very exciting and powerful times for us my friends. I do not say this lightly.
Be very careful what you ask for. DO NOT FORGET THE FINE PRINT.
For at this moment our powers of connection to the collective conciousness are beyond anything we have ever imagined. The 100th monkey has peeled its bannana and now the new way of thinking is spreading around the world.
Welcom to the 5th demension.
L
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I've begun packing
This weekend I've been thinking of writing recipes for chamomile (inspired by a Got Peace? bumper sticker) and ginger to fight the nausea of this next stage of divorce. That's ginger in the image to the left. Instead I guess I'm living the need and then I'll write the ritual to move out of the discomfort.
I've begun packing. Choosing which pictures to take from the walls, trying not to leave too many holes in the walls, because, well somehow I want to try to make everyone feel like this transition is natural and okay - just as natural as Kevin and I drifting apart. No one to blame, just life. And then it's my son's 10th bday on Friday, and we really don't need to stir up any extra drama. So I'll postpone the ripping down of the rest of the wall hangings until waaay after the slumber party.
Still the process must begin.
The U-Haul boxes were stacked in the rafters in the attic. I stood on a chair and poked the boxes with a broom to make them fall down. On top of the boxes was a slightly familiar blue bag, which came tumbling down with the boxes. It was my wedding dress, spilling out of the bag. I thought about getting all sentimental and saving it, but then realized my daughter Ali would never be caught dead wearing this poofy early 90's number, so I threw it in the Salvation Army pile. That was rather empowering and healing.
I packed up my most magickal items that have been stored in a very pretty pine Mexican armoir with inlaid calla lilies. I thought of my high priestess Connie and how we burned all her magickal items in a big bonfire at her funeral. I remembered the times when I was more immersed in my magick and herbal lore... before everything went sideways and how after that most of my attention went to keeping my family together. I became the glue until it was broken beyond repair.
I packed boxes of clothes and books and hid the boxes under tapestries and blankets in closets, so hopefully the kids won't see these boxes everywhere and feel they are being abandoned by mama. I don't know that they will. My eldest looked at my trinkets and asked how all this was going to fit in the small place we were moving to. Time for a garage sale, I said.
Seriously this kind of pressure is definite birth control.
There was a family party today. In other words about 30 people, mas o menos. Some of the aunties asked where Kevin was. I said, probably with his girlfriend before I could stop myself and so I had to explain... They congratulated me. Said it was a long time coming. I'm going to be okay.
True story: security is over-rated. That is certain. And I can honestly say I do feel quite alive right now. I guess my strongest rocket of desire in this moment would be to focus more on the exhileration than the fear, more on the possibilities than the guilt, more trust in the unknown...
Isn't that life?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Following Nature's Guide
I'm a tree hugging dirt worshipper and I always have been. People ask me how I got led to magick and earth spirituality and I tell them it's a combination of a Catholic mother, a Christian Science father, one nana who was a psychic and one nana who died before I was born (so how could I not believe in the spiritual world?), an absentee birth father (so how could I not believe in miracles?) and an affinity to being barefoot and outside, while my best friends were trees.
I've been writing books and teaching classes on following nature as a teacher. And I do a pretty good job of riding the seasons and paying attention to the cycles of nature in my spiritual life. What I'm not so great at is walking the human walk. I spend so much time in my mind, analyzing things or finding deep symbolism that sometimes (oftentimes) I find the mundane steps suffocating. I want to fly - to burst forth - to sing my heart song.
When there's pain, I drum, or howl at the moon or splash in the ocean. Sometimes I crash cars, other times I pick fights with friends or family. I don't find it easy to sit and allow the process to unfold like a rose or the unfurling of a fern leaf. I rush forward at top speed looking for answers, so I can rest on my laurels in peace. And as in the case of the last couple of weeks when the tough gets going, I just add more hot sauce. Fight fire with fire until you're too exhausted to remember the pain.
Truth is, my family is breaking up and that makes me sad. It's not that I want to turn around or go back. I want to go forward and I am, day by day, packing box by packing box. But still, a dream is dying and I have to face it.
Today Lisa reminded me about the wisdom of the flower that sits for a time in the dark and stillness of Mother Earth, then moves ever so slowly from bud to blossom. She reminded me that I am birthing a new self and if I push too hard, too fast, I’ll tear. And that’s never good, plus it really, really hurts. It’s much wiser to follow nature’s example and allow yourself to open gradually. That I won’t likely be jumping from where I sit in this big house to another big house. I’ll be downsizing to make ends meet on my own. And that's okay, because just like the plants we prune to help them reach their fullest, most aromatic, most lush, I must give in to this death process so that I can be reborn better than before.
Okay, Lis, I’ll try…
I've been writing books and teaching classes on following nature as a teacher. And I do a pretty good job of riding the seasons and paying attention to the cycles of nature in my spiritual life. What I'm not so great at is walking the human walk. I spend so much time in my mind, analyzing things or finding deep symbolism that sometimes (oftentimes) I find the mundane steps suffocating. I want to fly - to burst forth - to sing my heart song.
When there's pain, I drum, or howl at the moon or splash in the ocean. Sometimes I crash cars, other times I pick fights with friends or family. I don't find it easy to sit and allow the process to unfold like a rose or the unfurling of a fern leaf. I rush forward at top speed looking for answers, so I can rest on my laurels in peace. And as in the case of the last couple of weeks when the tough gets going, I just add more hot sauce. Fight fire with fire until you're too exhausted to remember the pain.
Truth is, my family is breaking up and that makes me sad. It's not that I want to turn around or go back. I want to go forward and I am, day by day, packing box by packing box. But still, a dream is dying and I have to face it.
Today Lisa reminded me about the wisdom of the flower that sits for a time in the dark and stillness of Mother Earth, then moves ever so slowly from bud to blossom. She reminded me that I am birthing a new self and if I push too hard, too fast, I’ll tear. And that’s never good, plus it really, really hurts. It’s much wiser to follow nature’s example and allow yourself to open gradually. That I won’t likely be jumping from where I sit in this big house to another big house. I’ll be downsizing to make ends meet on my own. And that's okay, because just like the plants we prune to help them reach their fullest, most aromatic, most lush, I must give in to this death process so that I can be reborn better than before.
Okay, Lis, I’ll try…
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